Dear Spider in my bathroom

Dear Spider in my bathroom,
I see you’ve picked the corner right above my shower spout as your new digs. I wonder why you made that choice. Of all the corners in the bathroom, why the one right above my head? Are you doing this to mess with me? Because if so, congratulations: you’re scaring the crap out of me. Seeing you there makes me think of that scene in Arachnophobia when the evil spider slips down that girl’s hair, down her front, and slides across her skin to the drain. Gosh that’s gross. Did you want to do that to me? If so, then you really must die.

Oh, I see the moisture from the water is causing you to slip. That’s not good for either of us, freaky spider with long legs. This is a life or death situation. If you come any further down the wall, I will use extreme force against you. Ever since I spotted you there, I’ve not taken my eyes off you. I worry that if I turn my head, you’ll jump on me and I’ll scream bloody murder, slip in the shower, hit my head on the corner and die. Is that really worth a chuckle to you?

No, you’re coming too close. That’s the problem with your real estate location, spider. The water mist is rising and it appears it’s disturbing your web. Sorry, I have no control over that. You should have thought better about your web building locale.

Okay, I’ve warned you. This here in my hand is a luffa with a handle. I’m going to hold the luffa portion and grab you with the handle. If at this time you decide to channel a saber tooth tiger and leap to any part of my body–well–there’s not much I can do except panic and possibly kill myself in the process. So don’t move.

Ha, I’ve got you now. I see you’re struggling to climb the handle, but the hot shower water is is making it slippery. I call that justice. Oops, there you go down the drain. We really did relive part of that scene from the movie, only it was a lot less creepy. I’m sorry you had to die this way little spider, but it was you or me. Spiders don’t belong in bathrooms right above the shower. That’s a guaranteed way to die. As you know now.

Happy trails little dude. You won’t be missed.

Yours insincerely,