Yes, I realize it’s been over seven months since I last posted to this website. Many bloggers (or for me, “blogger”) would spend two paragraphs explaining why they were absent from their own digital space. The thru-line always being “I’ve just been too busy and important for this site, LOL!”

Let’s skip it.

Last week I closed on a new horse. This week I’m borrowing the neighbor’s WiFi. Kidding, but barely. Which reminds me I should probably pay my cable bill so I won’t actually have to crack the WiFi password to “WeSuckAtParenting” to access my online bank account. Which simply taunts me with too few digits.

No, I didn’t type “HOUSE” but “HORSE.” The former being a wise investment which theoretically accrues value over time. The latter being a four-legged financial sink hole of cartoonish proportions that most sane people run from lest they’re sucked into a drowning vortex of “where’s all my money, oh dear gawd!?”

So we’re clear.

People who are semi-familiar with my life and life choices may wonder why I have two horses. Yes, this is a new horse. Doing my English major math, that means I have: $0.00 invested in my retirement. There will be oodles of opportunities for me to explain why I purchased Caballo Numero Dos, but for now lemme leave you with this: I wanted one. I’ve wanted a second horse for years. I simply couldn’t accommodate two until this time. Nor am I the kind of person who can sell the first.

For the insatiably curious, my new horse is a 2008 (the year she was born) Arabian mare named “Nisha.” She’s a dark bay, has one white star, my heart… and all of my money. Jackpot, Nisha.

The plan is to ride in Endurance races and dabble in three-day eventing. More details to come. For now, I’m just going to use my own website to bitch about how poor I now am. It’s my website, I can do what I want. Also I can’t afford to go out.

Really this post is just a blanket explanation to all of my friends with whom I used to engage in recreational pursuits requiring fat stacks of cash I no longer have. Now when they text me suggesting fun things to do, I can send them a link to this post. Convenient. Or I’ll just copy one of the following activity alternatives.

Before Second Horse

“Hey guys, let’s get dressed up, have dinner in the city, and go to the symphony! I’ll order a plate of duck, maybe two ducks!”

After the Second Horse

“Meet for brunch? Oh, okay. I’ll have exactly one-half a glass of water. Who wants to be my best friend, buy mama a lemon wedge?”

Before Second Horse

“Hey guys, let’s TOTALLY go to the city for cabaret! Let’s have tapas before, then head to dinner and the show after! #SexyAF!”

After the Second Horse

“…Or let’s meet at the mall. You guys can watch me strip and swim in the fountain scrounging for nickels. No, no, it’ll be fun. You can take bets on how much I can collect. Then pay me your winnings. Love you.”

Before the Second Horse

Hmmm, I’m hungry. Need a snacky-snack-snack. Imma have some macadamia nuts!

After the Second Horse

Hmmm, I’m hungry.

F*ck.

Before the Second Horse

Yeah, I’m finally a successful adult who can afford to have her house cleaned by someone else!

After the Second Horse

*Craigs List ad* For sale: house, furniture, clothing. One soul. *publish*

Of course, I’m exaggerating. I already sold my soul to afford boarding costs for the first horse, Dante.

Look, in all seriousness, I’m simply tightening my belt for the next few months as I replenish my accounts with funds. I opted to pay for Nisha with one check instead of a few payments. Followed by her prepurchase vet exam. Followed with her teeth being floated. Plus Dante’s teeth being floated. Also their vaccinations. Ferrier services. Hay and supplements. Upcoming lessons. Endurance entry fees. Eventing entrance fees. Endurance saddle. Dressage saddle. Transporation costs. Eventual horse trailer. Eventual truck which tows an eventual horse trailer. A horse ranch. Another horse.

Help me.