Sit down for this truth bomb: everyone’s different — a fact not easily swallowed by some. Hence my constant need for disclaimers. Like this one: If you’re prone to fits of offering unsolicited advice like “Maybe you should [insert your advice here]” I’d recommend you read Yes I Hired Professional Matchmakers. No, I Don’t Want Your Advice.
This is part two of the Quest for Love. Because yes, I hired professional matchmakers, understanding that navigating the world of potential coupling was best left to experts. Read: total desperation. I would not be sucked back into the pit of despair that is online dating. Hiring professionals is a level above the desperation of online dating. Or maybe it’s below. Perhaps this foray of mine can replace the glass half full, half empty analogy.
To get to know me better, the matchmakers provided a personal questionnaire asking the usual questions about jobs, hobbies, and the status of my ovaries. Just kidding about the ovary question. Levity. I’m adding it.
I shan’t regale you with how I filled the questionnaire. But you should know I reformatted the text to be left-aligned. As God intended. I’m a regular party animal.
Dressed in my finest racer-back tank top (the only shirt style which accommodates my CrossFit back and shoulders) I met with the team of matchmakers. Who, for the right price, would be tasked with finding a suitable bachelor. A man whom I may one day ensnare with my feminine wiles. Like left-aligning text. Lucky, lucky man.
No, I’m not going reveal the name of their business or their location.
My personal matchmaker was twenty-seven or so, possibly operating under the
delusion idea love happens for everyone. Some call it “hope” I call it “insanity.” Potayto. Potahto.
As promised, no real names. Amanda took me into a separate meeting room where we could talk privately about me, my job, hobbies and dating history. She unnecessarily asked for complete honesty prior to getting started. If anything I’ve been asked to tone down the honesty. For “politeness.”
Amanda read the now-left-aligned-and-answered questionnaire and asked for details going beyond my one sentence answers. It was like a job interview, only my experience for the position was greatly lacking. If you think I’m going to list the most intimate details of my dating history, think again. You’d die of boredom.
If you haven’t already, please read Debunking the Myth: Single People are NOT ‘Too Picky.” Stop Saying It! Not only does the post bust the myth everyone needs to stop spreading, it also outlines my basic standards of what I’m looking for in the dude who will appreciate me for my left-aligning of text, and other OCD tendencies. Being the full-throated INTJ that I am, I hate repeating myself (but sometimes I must repeat to underline just how much I don’t want unsolicited advice). If you want to know those basic standards I’m insisting upon, go read that post.
Personal matchmakers do ask some odd questions, but they actually make sense if you stop to think about them. For example, Amanda asked what kind of car I drove. Which, as I say, isn’t as odd as it sounds. In America, our cars tend to be extensions of our personality.
She also asked about how I spent my disposable income when it comes to shopping. I admitted most of my clothes shopping was conducted at Nike or Lululemon, then confessed my love of home decor. Seriously, it’s becoming a problem. I get a tingle when the new Ikea catalog waits for me in the mailbox. I refuse to divulge how much time I spend on Pinterest or apartmentherapy.com. Someone please stage an intervention. But make sure the space is well-staged, okay?
After discussing what made me me, Amanda asked what my ideal first date was (I answered running the Tough Mudder or similar obstacle mud race, yes really), she then asked what I sought in a man. [insert ominous music]
Disclaimer for you advice-givers: I’ve come up with these “standards” after 11 years of meeting and dating various men through trial and error. Not randomly. Maybe “various” isn’t the right word when describing men I’ve courted. What’s the etymological equivalent of “different” with the connotation of “small number”? Anyone? Points will be awarded for creativity.
By design, most men aren’t going to work for me. By that same design, I won’t work for most men. Imagine the chaos if we all wanted to date each other. Bear that in mind. Also, I’m describing my ideal match. Mine. Not yours. Mine.
So kindly take the “I prefer different traits” comment and shove it. I typed that last sentence with love. Oozing, dripping love.
Witty & intelligent
An intelligent man possessing a sharp wit is irresistible to me. I cannot get enough banter, literary and nerd references, random facts, self-deprecating humor and the occasional clever pun. Wit is not to be confused with someone who is the “life of the party.” I typically avoid blustery men who make a spectacle of themselves.
Quiet & intense
I prefer men of a quiet, intense nature. Key word there is PREFER. Look, I even underlined it. That’s how you know I’m super serious. Quiet is just what I like. “Still waters run deep” as it goes.
Men who describe themselves as “fun-loving” and “easy-going” are typically incompatible with my own personality. “Fun-loving” is usually code for “I like parties, loud concerts, getting wasted” or “hanging with my guy friends, getting super drunk.” Not always, but usually. I’ve never found boisterousness attractive.
Assertive leadership. A man of honor and integrity.
I prefer men with purpose, drive, ambition. Leaders. Why? I’ve dated some of their more passive, “easier-going” counterparts. I find passive men frustrating. Are they bad men? Of course not. But I have a tendency to be a rather bossy know-it-all (I’ll write more on that later) and sometimes need a break from making decisions. I would love to cede that role a bit to a man. As in he decides what it is we’re doing and where we’re going for the dates. I don’t want to think about it. I just want to show up and look as pretty as I can. Even if that means shoving my trapezoids into a dress. Probably has to be sleeveless, though.
And yes, a man who is honorable is a must for me. I am looking for a good man.
Shares my values
Basics, people. Basics. My match and I should have similar values (as stated in a previous post, a conservative Christian, Catholic preferred).
Attractive, fit & healthy (this one plays a role in a later date)
Because I give my own health and fitness top priority, I seek a man who does the same. If you want to call me a shallow, superficial ninny-pants, fine by me. I enjoy being physically active and strong, and want the same in a match (it’s a lifestyle issue, baby). How he stays fit doesn’t matter. But unhealthy (drunks and pot-smokers included), unfit, or overweight men do not ring my bell. He may be a darling man, but if I don’t want to touch him, I won’t want to kiss him. If I don’t want to kiss him, I won’t want to sleep with him. If I don’t want to sleep with him… why are we dating to decide if we might one day wed?
See the problem progression?
Hey, reminder, we all like different things. None of us are the same (see first paragraph of this post). Some women like men with “extra padding” as the PC term goes. I don’t. Sorry if that offends you, but actually I’m not. Sarcasm. And yes, the “must be fit” criteria? I told Amanda it was a non-negotiable. Remember that, folks. It comes into play later…
Amanda even asked “What’s your ideal a male body type” and I replied “Henry Cavill.” Whom she had never heard of [insert more ominous music], giving me the excuse to Google him. And post this gif…
That sound you hear? My uterus exploding.
Did I expect all of my matches to have a body (or face) worthy of Superman? Of course not. She was asking for ideal. I gave her my ideal. Don’t get all hurty over it if you’re not my ideal type. Remember, I’m probably not yours. It only has to work out once.
Am I saying I’m going to eliminate any man who does not fit all of the above? Of course not. There is no such thing as a perfect man or perfect woman. And I’m not sure there’s even a perfect match. I gave up on that idea years ago. Trust me, Courtney is occupying the lowest level of Reality Castle. At least it’s finely decorated in industrial modern.
But I didn’t come to those standards randomly but through trial and error. As already stated. The repetition is for you advice-givers who can’t read. Because psych, all of what I just described? It applies to myself. When looking for a match, I am looking for someone with whom I share compatibility. Opposites do not attract. Opposites attracting make for a borderline-decent movie, but you never see what happens after the initial attraction in those films.
For those of you who want to tell me “looks don’t matter” when it comes to dating, or that “once you get to know him he’ll be more attractive,” stop it. I’ll be sure to hit that stupid myth in a later post. Incoming.
After about an hour of interviewing, where I answered all questions fully and honestly (relevant ones here and dripped in throughout the blog series), I wrapped it up. Amanda let me know she’d be in touch with possible matches.
With that I bid Amanda adieu…