Merry Christmas everyone! As you were awoken at 2 am, then 3 am, maybe 5 am by your precious, cherub-faced children who destroyed Christmas presents like the barracuda eliminated Nemo’s siblings (too soon?), I was in bed. Not that being up multiple times during the night isn’t fun. I’m sure you had a scream of a time trying not to scream at your precious babies. Who peed their pants with Christmas excitement. My advice? Keep funneling sugar into their baby-bird like mouths. What could possibly go wrong?
Actually a lot. Confession: I’ve been shoveling chocolate into my face like it’s the cure to cancer. Dump truck quantities of chocolate. The question isn’t what sorts have I inhaled, but what haven’t I inhaled. I just hope to come out of the holidays with both of my legs. Though I might be able to fit into my pants better with one less leg. #Perspective
Before I forget, many thanks to comedian Kathleen Madigan for this card inspiration. If you haven’t watched it:
Thanks also to my gal pal Liz, who snapped the photo for me. I had so much fun with you this year, chica. That’s as mushy as I’m going to get about it.
I’ve wanted to send this card for years. Why did I wait until 2016 to finally get it made? It’s a fair question without a decent answer. Except that I single-handedly boosted Pottery Barn’s stock by a full point. Belgian flax linen. Say yes.
Okay, sure, it isn’t “technically” a card because I didn’t “technically” send it in the mail. But you know. Sending things in the mail. Stamps. Preparing weeks in advance. How about no?
So what happened this year that I should review for the Auld Lang Syne reasons?
No Emergency Vet Visits for Riley
Riley, my now 7 year old sheltie, is also a “foreign object” dog. If you don’t know what that is, hug your dog close. What a blessing. Riley has a habit of eating more than just his food. Without going through the tedious process of chewing. In years passed, Riley has been rushed to the vet for foreign objects too large to pass. See what I did there? After so many figurative heart attacks had on my behalf, I decided to insure Riley after his THIRD foreign object surgery. Well, since I pay monthly to keep my little pup emergency ready, Riley went all of 2016 without python-swallowing my laundry.
Good dog. Here’s one of my favorite snapshots of my pups this year.
I Dated More in 2016 Than All Previous Years. Combined.
I’m not particularly proud of this, since all the efforts didn’t really result in more than dating “experience.” No, that’s not code for harlotish activities. I’m still as clean and pure as the wind driven, frigid flurries. But considering how many blind dates, first dates and stomach-fluttering subsequent dates I embarked upon in 2016, it’s worth commemorating here.
In August I went on two dates in one day. Never again. Though a few weeks later I went on two dates in a weekend. Never again. To be clear, I hate dating. Which could be because I just haven’t met my match or because dating is nerve-wracking, tedious, and mostly disappointing. I dutifully avoided it for years, to much success. I took the opposite approach this year, at least for a few months. Thankfully I’ve returned to my normal dating pattern: answering the “are you seeing someone” question with casual eye-rolling and my trademark crooked smirk.
If you want to read more about my dating misadventures, I suggest you start with Yes, I Hired Professional Match Makers. No, I Don’t Want Your Advice…
In March I decided to hit the Big Island of Hawaii, staying in Kaliua Kona. Best vacation I’ve ever had. Sea turtles, sand, Kona coffee ice cream (OMG SO GOOD). Though I did manage to treat my paper-white skin to a scorching rivaled only by the space shuttle on re-entry. Pro-tip to fellow Pacific Northwest pasties: do not remove the top to your Jeep, then expose your skin as you make the 30 minute foot walk to Makalawena Beach. Also, don’t stay on the beach for 3 plus hours just because it took you so long to get to the beach. Remember, you gotta walk back to your Jeep. Which you removed the top to, because who doesn’t want skin cancer?
I have a few photos from my vacation in Hawaii, but here’s a shot from mentioned beach where I experienced the Skin Cooking of 2016.
Probably my favorite part of Hawaii was the snorkeling, though. With an outfit more appropriate for a bee-keeper — or lepper — I hiked down to the Captain Cook Monument in Kealakekua Bay for a magical snorkeling experience. Even though it took an hour to walk down there (and longer to walk back up), I considered returning, such was the quality of the reefs. If you ever make it to Kona, give a little wave to the octopus I saw crawling under a rock. He gets me.
And yes, Kona coffee is as good as everyone says. I recommend Greenwell Farms. Their Macadamia Nut Chocolate coffee is heaven in a cup. But hell when you run out.
I hit some new lift one rep maxes in CrossFit. Here be my numbers:
- Back squat: 253 pounds
- Front squat: 215 pounds
- Deadlift: 285 pounds
- Clean and jerk (split): 145 pounds
- Power clean: 165 pounds
- Grace time: 3:28 (current leader at my box)
Started taking horse jumping lessons (finally) and haven’t fallen off once. Hey, there have been a few opportunities!
Full time at Louder with Crowder
And of course the absolute best for last. In the summer of 2015 I sent Steven Crowder a text about his new website fonts. The subtext being: dude, your fonts are ugly. It initiated a digital conversation, which eventually lead to some phone calls. What started at just two posts a day at the site, eventually lead to a full time career as Editor at Large for the site. I even made some appearances on our YouTube Live Streaming show. Here’s my favorite clip from the year, time-stamped to my segment:
This year we also announced our new partnership with CRTV as Louder With Crowder goes daily in 2017. I also made my first trip to Texas this year for our #100 episode. Where I FINALLY met with Steven and Jared. Side note: it’s a little weird to meet people you’ve only known in two dimensional spaces. Took some adjustment, but I had a great time with the team in Texas.
Thanks 2016 for a fantastic year. I’m ready for you 2017!