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The office coffee is the scourge of humanity

Dear Diary, The office coffee burns a hole in my tongue and in my soul. It reminds me of hope lost in an abyss of abysmal despair, a place where dreams perish, where smiles and laughter are remnants of a past long ago forgotten, where a dark roast sets fire to intestines and burns any…

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They’re playing music in the office

Dear Diary, They’re playing the music. What music doesn’t matter, they’re just playing it. Trapped and exposed in an open office plan, like a wounded antelope on the African plains waiting for a lion to pounce on and kill me, I sit at my desk with my headphones on, desperate to escape. Escape the noise,…

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Sissy wonders why the clerk had to die

Read The Nice and Casual Observations of Sissy Jenkins (part 1) The offending roses sat on my dining room table, not because I liked the roses, but because I enjoyed how the light reflected off the vase. I am also morbidly curious about death and I look forward to chronicling the steady decline of the roses. How…

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Ode to a messenger bag

There once was a boy named Travis. He lived a life so lavish. He spent big dollars On things like dog collars, On tech toys, trucks, and crab trawlers. He fell in love with a messenger bag. But, oh how it caused his shoulders to sag. Though it caused him great pain, He still was quite vain,…

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I almost choked to death from the air freshener

Dear Diary, I nearly asphyxiated from bathroom air freshener. Sometimes (always) the smokers from upstairs tromp downstairs for their morning puff, then drag themselves to the downstairs bathroom to address a secondary and more primal bodily urge. To dilute the smokey stench which trails her everywhere, The Smokestress gassed the bathroom with air freshener. So strong was the fragrance it…

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The Nice and Casual Observations of Sissy Jenkins

A bouquet of red roses sat on my doorstep. But all my friends know I don’t like roses, and any admirer, secret or otherwise, would have gleaned my hatred for the thorny, petaled plant from just about anywhere, and wouldn’t have left such a display at my door. This left two possible scenarios: The roses were delivered to…

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Cleaning carpets and the cults who’d rather you wouldn’t

Legend has it that people who starved during their lifetimes were turned into carpets by The Gods of Bur Bur. Cleaning the carpets and instructing guests not to feed them condemns these souls to a new hell. They have already experienced so much starvation in their mortal lives, why cause suffering in their eternity? It is for…

Copyright 2018. Courtney Kirchoff.