failedmatchmaking

The Matchmakers Set Up 3 Dates. All Failures…

The title of this post should’ve saved you a click. Why string you along when I can dispense with the long tales and tell you all three dates the Matchmakers set up were duds? You’re welcome.

It’s been a while since I posted, so get caught up. Read Step One: Meeting My Matchmakers, Describing my ‘Match’…

To be fair, date number one wasn’t a disaster. It was actually one of the best first dates I’ve had. He was ambitious, nice-looking, smart, funny, had a great job, loved his family. Our conversation was easy, fun, relaxed. So what was wrong with him, you ask? Absolutely nothing, we simply lacked chemistry. We enjoyed each other’s company, sure but there wasn’t a spark for either of us.

As a brief aside, dating is mostly misses. It only has to work once. Which means, by design, most men won’t fit the role as my match. And vice versa.

What I took from this first pairing was the Matchmakers seemed to have a good pool of people from which to draw. Translation: men who have their shit together. So after meeting Match Number One, I informed Amanda I had more trust in their organization in finding Mr. Right.

Whoops.

Meeting “Ed”

The Matchmakers told me Ed was a “good dresser,” and I should feel free to posh it up a bit with a dress. This is what I pictured:

frasier

Kelsey Grammar as Frasier Crane. In one of the funniest episodes in TV history “Ham Radio.”

Thinking Ed was some facsimile thereof, I went out and purchased a summer dress (this happened over the summer, yes I know it’s October now). The dress I purchased was size small. Remember that detail.

Knowing the first date the Matchmakers set up was with a great guy, we just lacked chemistry, and the second, Ed, was a “good dresser,” my expectations were high.

We’ll call this error number one.

Ed was nothing like I’d pictured (that of a genteel, sophisticated Seattleite). No, no, Ed was an unattractive, obese man, probably in his forties. He had more boob cleavage than I did, having forgone Kramer’s advice by failing to use a “Man-zier.” He reminded me not of Frasier Crane, but of Ed Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Just 100 pounds heavier.

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I assumed, because I was so uncomfortable, I emitted kill-me-now signals. I even opened the date with “I have to work tomorrow morning” a truism, yes, but also a signal. A giant, Ed-sized signal. Practically a blimp. The Hindenburg. Exploding.

Ed didn’t take the hint. He also kept touching my arm whenever he made a point. Queen of mixes signals though I may be, I never emitted the “please touch me” signal to Ed. The “please may I choke on my own spit” signal, yes. The “touch me flirtatiously” signal, no.

No. No. No.

Because I failed to think of a convincing reason to leave the cafe (error number two)–that is besides borrowing a blowtorch to set my hair on fire–the bartender rudely told us there was another reservation at nine. Finally my escape! I had to leave the bar, another reservation! There is a GOD! I can GO HOME! Maybe I would join a convent! Be free of men entirely! YES!

I’m not going to share Ed’s profession, but let’s just say he’s not a detective. For despite all my obvious signals I wasn’t interested, not the least of which was trying to make myself smaller on my barstool to escape his unwanted touching, Ed asked to exchange numbers.

Mentally I said this:

oh-hell-no

In reality I said “No thanks, but it was nice meeting you,” as I tripped over my barstool to get the hell out, oh my gawd.

Obviously I never saw him again. Obviously I’m not sad about it. Obviously the Matchmakers were going to hear from me. Obviously the email was going to be raw and unfiltered.

But not before the second date I had that weekend. Which I met with much dread and tears of frustrated despair.

Meeting “Phil”

I went out to meet Phil the following Sunday, with expectations reset to levels which could only be seen with an electron microscope. This time I wore comfortable flats and jeans. I arranged with a friend to borrow a parking pass, so at least I could save ten bucks. Because I parked off “campus” I had to run to catch the ferry. I was neither sweaty nor winded when I got to the boat. Of course I thought of Ed. Who would’ve died from the exertion.

In Seattle I didn’t take a car to our meeting place. I wanted to spend as little money as possible in meeting my “match.”

The meeting place in Seattle this time was on the water, a cafe near Pike’s market. I was relieved to see Phil didn’t have the BMI of a killer whale. Already the date was an improvement over the last one. But as Phil and I talked, we quickly realized we were not compatible. At all. Knowing that, pressure was off. Time for some postmortems…

Yep, Phil and I discussed some of the dating failures these “Matchmakers” had set us up on. Phil was my third date. But Phil had been meeting “matches” for nine months.

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Seattle is a deep blue liberal bastion. Phil was proudly voting for Hillary Clinton. I’m torn between voting for the zombie apocalypse, a giant meteor, or a cataclysmic frog-storm which will end all of humanity. Phil told the Matchmakers it was important he date a liberal woman. Seattle is nothing but liberalism. It’s so blue it’s black. So how the Matchmakers thought setting Phil up with me, a conservative Catholic who specifically asked for a conservative Catholic (or Christian) man, was a good idea, I still do not know. And neither did Phil.

Also, to you numbskulls who tell me my dating woes would just be solved by moving somewhere else? You’re idiots. Phil was a nice guy. And he couldn’t meet a fellow liberal. In liberal Seattle. Liberals are having a tough time meeting fellow liberals in Seattle. So your “Just move someplace with your values” talking point is dumbassery at its finest. Shut up.

Phil and I parted ways knowing we’d never see each other again, but both vowing to contact the Matchmakers with a WTF are you people thinking thru line.

Which I did. With much the same tone as this blog post. It’s me, what did you expect?

Note to those of you who don’t understand jokes: please feel free to leave now and never come back. If you feel triggered by the open mockery of someone who’s been anonymized, this website is not for you. 




'The Matchmakers Set Up 3 Dates. All Failures…' have 13 comments

  1. October 27, 2016 @ 2:45 pm Sven

    Hi Courtney,
    I was reading your blog after I saw you appear several times on Louder with Crowder. I usually ignore blogs, let alone leaving a comment on them but I was curious about what you mean with “a spark”. I’ve heard this term used by many women, dating them or just as colleagues/friends. It’s been used as a compliment or just a term in a random conversation in my life but I’m not sure as to it means as it’s different to everyone.

    Can you define what “a spark means”? I was just wondering, I understand if you won’t answer as it’s not really a big deal.

    Sven

    Reply

    • October 27, 2016 @ 3:31 pm Sven

      Oopsies, forgot to put a what in there. I blame fatigue as it’s bedtime where I live when I left a comment on your blog. Greetings from Europe.

      Sven

      Reply

    • November 4, 2016 @ 7:09 am Courtney

      It probably means different things to different people. For me it’s like a small little voice in my heart that says “Oh!” It’s a moment of excitement, usually deriving from attraction.

      Reply

  2. November 4, 2016 @ 4:21 am Anoneemous

    Perhaps you will file this under “heard it before,” but have you considered the possibility that you are still single because there’s something in or about you that you need to change? I should have prefaced the question with “I mean no offense,” but that’s really a throwaway line nowadays. Still, I can ask you the question because of my own experience. In many ways my situation was similar to what you’re going through, so I know how you feel right now. Unfortunately I had to go through an extremely difficult — devastatingly heartbreaking, actually — experience that opened my eyes to some of my behaviors and attitudes that had been hindering my own life and hurting others (namely, some of the women I had dated). Only after confronting that was I able to find peace and eventually the love of my life.

    Consider a devout priest or other wise spiritual director who will challenge you and guide you through some Christ-focused introspection and self-evaluation. If you can find a non-crazy Jesuit who is adept at walking people through the Ignatian way, you would profit from it.

    Whether we know it or not, most often we are the source of our own troubles.

    Take this advice for what it’s worth, which isn’t much. It is, however, authentic and based on experience.

    Reply

    • November 4, 2016 @ 7:06 am Courtney

      This is a rather noxious idea, because the premise is flawed. It assumes people who are married and have found love have somehow reached a higher plane of self-awareness, and that they’re more deserving (and worthy) of love. Further, to assume others are single simply because you had some deep-rooted issues ignores the main reason most single people are still single: they simply haven’t found their match. Which is why I’m still single. Am I perfect? Of course not. But to suggest I need to have a spiritual guide help me navigate my soul for what I must change? No thanks.

      Have you met with married people? They’re not perfect. Men and women are flawed. They still find love. Even assholes get married.

      Reply

      • November 4, 2016 @ 7:23 am Anoneemous

        You read a lot into what I said. I didn’t say only perfect people get married. While marriage is about two people helping each other grow in virtue and overcome vice, there are certain personal issues that are obstacles to marriage and should be worked out before marriage. Any pastor worth his salt will tell you that, as will any honest married person. All I suggested was that you consider the possibility.

        I was single for a long time and have been married for several years, so it’s safe to say I know a thing or two about the institution and the path that leads to it.

        Reply

        • November 4, 2016 @ 8:42 am Courtney

          No, I boiled your comment down to its essence. You did write in your first comment: “I should have prefaced the question with ‘I mean no offense,’ but that’s really a throwaway line nowadays.” So you knew you were being a bit rude and presumptuous. I just called you out on it. Too late to walk it back now “Anoneemous.”

          Reply

          • November 4, 2016 @ 12:05 pm Anoneemous

            Once again you misinterpreted what I wrote. I’m not taking anything back. Just trying to offer input based on my experience.

            Have you ever considered that your coldness and haste in judging are factors in your still being single?

            But disregard since you have all the answers and clearly have everything and everyone figured out.

          • November 4, 2016 @ 1:49 pm Courtney

            LOL. You just called me “cold” and “haste in judging.”
            Then judged by offering that’s the reason I’m still single. Self-aware much?

            Here’s a little more judgement for you: You’re kind of a pompous a-hole. I never asked for your advice. In fact a few posts back I specifically stated unsolicited advice just like this was most unwelcome. You’re the kind of person who makes the internet less fun, thinking everyone needs to hear your singular thoughts. Also, they’re not unique thoughts. The “you need to get yourself fixed on the inside” talking point is bandied about to singles everywhere.

            And yes, I’m super judgemental (see above statement). I own up to that one. Especially when it comes to choosing the person with whom to spend the rest of my life. But you’re a judgey person too. This entire comment string proves it (and yet a woman chose you despite that. Thanks for proving my point). So hi there, Pot. My name is Kettle.

            Bye bye now, sweet cheeks.

  3. November 9, 2016 @ 10:55 am Kevin

    I found myself wandering here after listening to you speak of your dating experiences on Crowder’s channel. Read through your articles and had a few good chuckles. Initially I didn’t think match making was still a thing since I’ve never known anyone who’s tried it. So being a curious individual, I found myself contacting a local match maker and one thing led to another I forked over my credit card details. Definitely a hit or miss experience but I’m also meeting more people now than I have been in years. So I suppose I owe you a thanks for being the catalyst that took me down this new path in life.

    Reply

  4. November 22, 2016 @ 6:48 pm Ben Knoblet

    Lol! Too funny. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

    Reply

  5. November 26, 2016 @ 7:56 pm Patrick

    Excellent rebuttals, Courtney. Why do people give anecdotes as if it’s statistically significant data? Keep searching for that “spark”!
    In the words of the almost first gentleman, Bill Clinton, “I feel your pain.”

    Reply

  6. November 27, 2016 @ 4:04 pm Michael Joahnson

    From what I can see, and after reading many of your articles, I believe you are an intelligent, articulate , beautiful woman. I think that when the right man comes into your life, you will know it.
    I personally believe that the dating services are a waste of time, unless you enjoy the “package opening like feeling” of meeting someone that way. An adventure that keeps you on your toes, not knowing what to expect from the other party.
    Some people are honest, open and easy to read while others are just plain scum of the earth in sheep’s clothing. Nothing you do not already know., but I will state it all the same.
    I pray that the right man comes into your life, sweeps you off your feet, and you enjoy the sharing of each others lives.
    Thank you so much for the articles on Crowder’s, that has me most of the time nodding in agreement, wondering how liberals just cannot seem to grasp facts.
    Michael Johanson

    Reply


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Copyright 2015. Courtney Kirchoff.