To pollute the internet with even more useless content no one needs but some may enjoy, I’m hitting a new weekly segment. #FirstWorldProblemFridays. As a spoiled resident of the first world, most of the problems which plague me aren’t problems at all. But rather than pop open my iMessage to hit up a colleague about my current non-crisis, I’m recording my weekly sufferings which aren’t sufferings here. What can I say except you’re welcome?

Nothing is more first world than blogging about your first world issues to other first-worlders looking to relate via a digital platform perpetuating their first world problems. So without further ado after too much ado, the week of August 20th’s faux-tragedies.

MONDAY: Throughout a longish Skype meeting in which I only contributed a pointed tech lecture (“Whoever is typing right now, hit the mute button!” for the love of God) I found myself terribly distracted by… myself. During some unknown Skype update, the main screen of my Skype has not been of those with whom I’m Skyping. But of me. Not just me. No, no. Early morning me. For those of you fortunate enough to have never Skyped with Early Morning Courtney, lemme paint you a picture. Imagine if Smaug the Dragon had a boisterous romp with that grouchy chick Julia Stiles played in 10 Things I Hate About You. Actually, wait. Imagine if Smaug and Heath Ledger’s Joker made a love child. That’s Early Morning Courtney. Let’s put a smile on that scrunch face.

TUESDAY: I’m tired of listening to the same music on my Google Play Music. I’m drowning in a sea of musical ignorance.

WEDNESDAY: Feeling understimulated from lack of human contact due to working remotely because offices are the first level of Hell, I headed to a coffee shop. After finishing two articles, sending a few emails, and starting this very post you’re now reading, the rental on my iced Americano was expiring. Quickly. Alas, my computer, phone, and purse were spread about me like the intricate patterns that male bird, which builds elaborate nest designs to impress females (the proper name I’m too lazy to Google because OMG my bladder) makes. Should I stay or should I go now? The struggle for coffee shop real estate post 3 pm isn’t a struggle at all. But lazy woman’s burden certainly is.

THURSDAY: Every time I text my mother a question, she calls me.

FRIDAY: All three of my dogs are transferring the grassy debris from outside, inside. Like the Egyptians building the pyramids. If there was a chance the straw used in the pyramids’ clay had been ejected from a post-poop kickup.

What were your first world problems this week?